Sunday, February 28, 2010
Look Out--She's Gonna Blow!!!
I am having one of those days where I feel that I have a tenuous grasp on my sanity. Or rather, a tenuous grasp on not snapping because I feel completely consumed by angst over various factors.
I can't say why I feel this way today, but my suspicion is that it has something to do with the fact that it's Sunday (always the worst day of the week), that I had to go work out and didn't feel like it (notice that that's in the past tense since I did go and work out and actually it wasn't so bad and I kind of enjoyed it), that we have a large cleaning/organizing task in front of us since our current bedroom furniture is being picked up and our new furniture being dropped off later this week, and that there is always someone or something underfoot, AND I'm experiencing sharp pains in my chest and they're freaking me out!
First off, I hate Sunday. It's by far the crappiest day of any week because it means the weekend is over and the work week begins again. It also means that I'll have a steady string of waking up early and making lunches and dropping Lily at the sitter and having meetings at school and having to stop on my way home to work out and all the other things that I have to do in any given week. Boo. This week, though, so as to not be entirely negative, I am looking forward to: the Bachelor finale, the delivery of my new furniture, and hopefully seeing my friend Kristin whom I get to see only very rarely.
Secondly, I get stressed about going to the gym. It's hard to explain because I feel good about myself after I've gone, but the act of HAVING to go is a real chore. It was novel at first, but now it just feels like one more thing on my list of things to do that it makes me annoyed and stressed. I woke up this morning feeling weighted down because I knew that I'd have to make the trek to the gym. Also, lately, people have been on my preferred piece of machinery such that I become enraged to have to wait my turn or, worse, use another machine altogether. Thankfully, this didn't occur today. Thankfully, too, I had an ok time when I was there. I was in the elliptical zone, if you will. I went around noon so I could get it out of the way and have the rest of the day in front of me to do the other tasks we had planned (cleaning mostly, and getting dinner later at Houlihans, and maybe some other errands like a trip to Target or somewhere similar). When I got home, though, that isn't what happened (us moving the day along, I mean) so I've been in a pissy mood since 1.
The cleaning is what needs to get done. Our furniture is being picked up, so the drawers and surfaces need to be emptied and cleaned in preparation. Only, this type of task, while perhaps seeming quite simple, is actually absurdly time-consuming. It involves a person having to sift through his or her junk, whilst, inevitably, taking a stroll down memory lane, only to decide to keep said junk which one hasn't looked at in a long while but which has just evoked positive feelings causing one heartache at the thought of parting with the items. And thus the vicious cycle of clutter lives on. I am not alone in this practice, and was quite disturbed to see Brian falling into the same terrible trap as I have done countless times. It was when Brian was trying to insist on keeping a tray of old floppy disks (not the 3.5 inch ones, either) that I put my foot down. Just yesterday he encouraged me to toss my old 3.5 inch floppy Wheel of Fortune game AND even the CD Rom create-a-card software, citing that there has been new technology coming out for years and years. Surely, then, his floppy floppies are obsolete! It's the worst when one discovers pictures in one's cleaning, because one then feels compelled to relive those moments also. "Oh, hon! Remember this?!" And then there's the items that hold sentimental value but which are so stupid to hold any value at all. For instance, Brian called me over to see if I wanted him to keep the receipt to the necklace he bought me for a wedding gift. I said no. He said, "But I got it for the wedding!" I said, "Yes, but I'm not going to return it, so we don't need the receipt." (But in this telling, please don't think Brian is the only one keeping/trying to keep veritable trash. In my 'memory box' which houses cards and newspaper clippings and movie stubs--all trash in their own right--there is also an empty box from the store where Brian bought my engagement ring. It's a box. It's empty. I've kept it. There's a problem here.)
All the while, in attempting to quickly and efficiently get rid of piles of junk which have amassed in drawers over the years, Lily and Buttons are underfoot, impeding the process of cleaning. Lily was taking everything out, investigating various nick nacks on the shelf. However, this might not have been that big a deal if she'd just looked on her own. She had noticed, though, that we were more focused on our junk than on her, so she started the following dialogue as she investigated each piece. I'm not exaggerating. "Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama... Mama's lamby!" "Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama's boy!" "Mama Mama Mama Mama Mama. Mama's doll house!" The first 5 'mama's' are her trying to get my attention. If I wasn't looking at her, she'd keep saying my name until I did. She actually just did it again as I type this--she wanted to show me that she's making soup (not really, of course, she's just stirring in an empty bowl). So I'm sure you can imagine how this slowed the process.
My sharp stabbing chest pains are also slowing the process. I'll be working and then, "Ahhh! Owwww!" And I have to do deep breathing or change my position in order to make it pass. And then it passes. And then it pops back up out of nowhere. I keep thinking I'm dying. I don't want to die.
Meanwhile, I just want to GO OUT. I want to do something fun today. Something productive or worthy of my time so if someone asks me what I did this weekend, I won't be able to honestly say, "Nothing at all."
Now we're going to try to go out since I'm losing my mind and cannot be here anymore. (Part of the reason is that I'm just not happy with the look of the rest of the house. It's full of clutter and there's no room of sanctuary that is fully clean and organized. We're sort of in progress in a few rooms, but none are done. Thus adding further unsettled feelings within me. I like things to be clean and tidy. They aren't. I'm disturbed.)
That's all for now. Hopefully this will all pass and all will be in order again soon. Until then, steer clear of me. Who knows when I'll pop?? hehe.
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