If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

I'm being a renegade right now, living on the edge and, um, blogging AT work.

However, as I'm blogging about work stuff, I give myself a free pass of conscience.

I'm in the process of entering grades, and also need to enter comments for the grades. I used to take a lot of time with this procedure, choosing just the right comment(s) for my students. If I put a negative one, I'd also put a positive one to temper it. (When I was in school, I hated when I got the same 2 or 3 comments from my teachers. It felt so insincere.)

(For the record, my computer froze and had to be shut down at work; when I rebooted, I didn't bother signing back on to finish this as other things to do came up. At present, then, I'm not being a renegade at all, as I'm writing this at my kitchen table.)

Anyway, as I was saying, when I was first teaching, I put a lot of time and effort into the comments because I felt it was a great way to communicate the students' efforts. Then it got to be a complete pain in the ass, just one more thing standing between me and being done the report cards, and suddenly I realized why I'd always gotten the same comments from my teachers: they didn't want to do them any more than I do. (I refuse to believe the alternative reason that I'll explore momentarily.)

Also, as the kids get worse and worse, I find that the canned comments don't accurately express my true sentiments about them. So now I pretty much choose "Cooperative in Class" for every kid (or, in some instances, will speak in other codes. For instance, if they talk a lot, I'll put "is easily distracted" or "talks persistently"; if it's a kid that has no personality, I'll put "ability to work independently"). For some kids, though, my scornful feelings reach such fever pitch that I have a hard time even putting "cooperative in class" and have, sadly, had some kids for which none of the comments fit. (Again, this was NOT me. It couldn't have been. I was a delight!!)

Thus, for this blog, I will list the comments I'd like to see added to the canned comment list, as an accurate reflection of what we really want to say to these parents. Here they are, in no particular order:

• Concerned your kid is automaton, as she just sits there emotionless for an entire 90 minutes, staring into the abyss, never volunteering to speak or do anything.
• Seems smarter than she actually is.
• Has a massive chip on her shoulder.
• Too smart for her own good and refuses to play the school 'game' such that she'll never live up to her true potential here.
• Has no business being in Honors.
• A complete and utter jerk in all ways. Although academically ok, your child has no other redeeming qualities.
• Lazy.
• Shy isn't cute in 11th grade; it's annoying. Must learn to advocate for himself instead of having Mommy do it.
• One of the few students I can abide this semester!
• Two words come to mind: brown AND nose.
• Dunderhead.
• Complainer.
• Gimme an A. I. R. H. E. A. D. What's that spell? Your kid!
• There is such a thing as too loud in oral presentations. We shouldn't need earplugs.
• Att-i-tude!
• Nowhere near as good as her sibling. Are you sure they're related?
• I won't even remember her name next semester if I see her in the hall.
• Asked too many questions and took too long to ask them. The bell means it's time to leave!
• Has no business being in Academic.
• Rat-like.
• Lazy asshole.
• Just as bad as his sibling. Don't you know how to raise kids?
• Sneaky, complaining, jerkoff.
• Frightfully dim.
• Dresses like a street walker.
• Whiny, simpering grade-grubber with an unrealistically high perception of own ability level.
• One of the most annoying students I've had the displeasure of being locked in a room with for an extended time.
• Rude, beligerent, argumentative fuck.
• Tactless.
• Weirdest kid I've ever met.
• Am concerned that your kid is going to come in one day and open fire on the school. (Wish I was kidding.)
• I didn't realize one person could have this many problems.
• Your daughter is royalty. (The Queen of Drama)
• Liar and cheater.
• Unable to think for himself.
• I hear the trash company is hiring...
• Utterly loathsome in all imaginable ways.
• I called out sick a couple of days just to avoid your son.
• There's no other way to say this: I hate your kid.

These comments, I think, would serve me well when filling out the cards. Only, I don't think parents want to hear these truths.

Thus, the old addage... if you don't have anything nice to say...

...say "cooperative in class."

Posted by Natalie M at 9:01 AM 9 comments 

Labels: bad students, humor, school