Saturday, January 23, 2010
Humble Pie: A Farewell to "Eeyore"
So I've had an experience lately that has made me sort of take a step back and look at things differently. I've felt both good and ashamed at how I've behaved, and I think this experience has made me realize anew how important it is to treat people right all the time and how seemingly little things affect individuals in ways others may never realize.
I'm referring to one of my co-worker's resignation.
Yesterday was his last day.
Basically, for the past 3.5 years I've known him, this guy has always been a huge downer. In fact, I've referred to him as Eeyore to other peers. He's just so, "Thanks for noticin' me..." and "What's the point?" kind of thing. It's terrible. I also felt a lot of additional angst toward him because I had to share my room with him during my planning period--not once, but twice (last year and this year, both!)--which completely pissed me off. Granted, part of my rational self realized how unfair it was that I was partially mad at him, since I'm sure he didn't want to have to share with someone as much as I didn't want to share with anyone. What made me mad at him is that he wasn't really a good guest (well, last year he wasn't--this year, having learned his MO, I knew what I was and wasn't going to happen). It felt very much like he was going out of his way to make the experience as annoying for me as it must have been for him. Like, if he was going to suffer, I was sure as hell suffering with him. Last year he insisted on bringing in a huge desk and filing cabinet, even though he didn't use either of them. He just wanted them in there. It was absurd and there wasn't really room for them. I understand wanting to have one's own space in a place, but he seemed to take it to an extreme. He also made a desk area for himself in the planning center so, basically, he was everywhere! When I found out at the beginning of this year that I had to share with him again, I told him he couldn't bring in the desk (I said he could use the front table and I'd be sure to keep it clear for him), but the filing cabinet (which he actually used this time) could go where it went last year. I also remained in my room during most days and just did work in there while his class was in there. It worked out pretty well, actually, and at a certain point, it didn't even seem to matter that we were sharing. Grant you, some days I was still annoyed because he'd do something bothersome or oblivious that pissed me off, but most days were ok.
At a certain point, I started to understand him better. I realized, through stories he'd share with his students about experiences he'd had or even just things he knew, that there was a lot more to him than a lot of people got to see. I considered that something of a shame, because I know that a lot of people also found him sort of annoying. But even I'd still struggle with my changing feelings about him since he still did lots of annoying crap.
In a lot of ways, it was hard to blame him. Our school treated him like shit. They made him do the communications classes he's asked repeatedly not to, in favor of just being an English teacher. He'd requested year after year to not have to do them--he'd put in for transfers to other buildings, and all sorts of things--and he'd always get denied. That's why he was always sharing rooms; his "room" was the studio and wasn't large enough for regular classes. He was constantly being berated for his productions, too. They weren't good enough for the powers-that-be. He was written up and screamed at by the principal in front of students for turning his light on during a lock-down drill since he heard all of the surrounding classes talking again. He thought it was over and that they'd forgotten him again; they forgot him last year. The principal called him incompetant to other teachers so much that other departments started thinking he was incompetant even though they'd never worked with him. The administration suggested that he take some time and observe how other teachers in our department teach, and told him that everyone in the department was better than him. (I've been in the room with him while he taught--while, yes, some lessons were a snooze-fest, he's not at all a bad teacher. I thought he did a good job with the material and I learned a lot just being in there while he was teaching.) His final straw was that he put in for a marking period off for personal reasons and they denied it. So he tendered his resignation. Really, if you were him, why would you stay? All they ever did was tell him or show him how useless he was to them--even though they took advantage of him at every turn, calling him at the last minute (sometimes while he was teaching his classes) and mandating to him that he needed to tape some event for the school or broadcast something on the tv during announcements or some other nonsense.
I'm thrilled that, in some ways, he screwed them by leaving. Now who will be the whipping boy?
Anyway, as I heard or saw everything unfold--them calling him out of class to go down and tape something right then; his concern and humiliation over being berated for not following lock-down procedures; his name being unprofessionally smeared by the principal in public and among his colleagues; his request and its subsequent denial for a marking period off--I started to feel terribly for him, and irate at my school. How dare people make a person feel so worthless? How dare they treat him so poorly. Fuck them!
Then it struck me: had I ever, in my annoyance over sharing my room with him, maybe, somehow sent him a similar message? Had I ever been mean to him or made him feel low like they did?
In searching my mind, I don't really think I did TO him. I think most of my anger and disgust with him was behind his back. (Unless one were to think my preemptive denial of his desk in my space this year was mean, but since he didn't use it last year and he hadn't suggested it yet this year, I don't think it was. Or perhaps I'm rationalizing?...)
But then it also struck me: isn't that sort of just as bad? Even if I wasn't being mean to him, I wasn't being NICE to him. I was tolerating him. I was pretending in front of him and then maligning him in private. That's kind of shitty, too.
Yesterday our department got together and took him to a farewell dinner. We all signed a card and chipped in $10 for a gift, and went to dinner. I was pissed about dinner all day-- a lot of us were. It was a hassle. It was not a good time (since we get new students on Tuesday and have a staff development day on Monday so, basically, this was our only time to finish before getting new kids but, instead, had to run off to dinner at 3).
We all went (except for our colleague who was kicked in the face by her horse the day before) and ate together. The guest of honor seemed really uncomfortable and detached, like he didn't want to be there. He didn't seem to talk much. It was kind of weird in some ways. Part of me wondered as I hugged him goodbye as I was leaving why he'd even agreed to go to dinner if this is how he was going to behave.
Today, though, there was an email from him to the department. In it, he explained how negative he is and how the goodbye dinner with us was so nice that it left a very positive memory in his mind of his time there. He said how much it meant to him to be with us laughing, telling stories, and just being together happy, and that even though he was uncomfortable being the so-called guest of honor, he appreciated that it was for him.
It was a really heart-felt email. It made me cry.
It also made me feel a little ashamed for having not wanted to go, for being resentful at the inconvenient timing of the event when I had so much to do.
But, in thinking about it, even if I hadn't gotten to finish my work at school, I would go again and stay longer and do whatever I had to do, since it meant something to him. Because, perhaps for once, he felt like someone gave a shit about him--he felt that he mattered to someone (12 someones, in fact, who would miss him when he left).
I pride myself on being thoughtful, and of doing things that bring people happiness (even if just blips of it). However, in this instance (and I'm sure others in life), I didn't (or almost didn't??) do everything I could have done to make him happy. I let my own annoyance or whatever get in the way of doing something that would bring someone else joy.
I will always feel some guilt that I might have been nicer or more sympathetic to him earlier, or more gracious later.
I will be more careful in the future to be nicer, more sympathetic, and gracious to people--both to their faces and behind their backs--since maybe it will make all the difference in their lives (even if I never know about it!) I will also endeavor to look differently toward situations that seem inconvenient to me at first. If I hadn't had to share my room with him, for instance, I wouldn't have gotten to know him better. I might not have realized how badly he was treated and how much he didn't deserve it. I might not have realized that I may inadvertantly (or unknowingly) contribute to--or at least not improve--the problem. For those, and other, reasons, I'm actually really glad I had to share my room with this person.
To my departed colleague who will likely never read this: all the best. May this move be everything you hoped for. You deserve it; you matter; you've affected my life.
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