Quit Buggin' Me!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Quit Buggin' Me!

I don't mean to be negative, but in the past few days, several things have annoyed me a lot and I have to share them.

Here they are, in random order (like the Miss America semi-finalist contestant order!):

1. People who wear pajamas in public. On Sunday I went to work out while Lily was napping (don't worry; Brian was home). After my workout, I ran to the bank to make a deposit. I was wearing my workout clothes (black pants, a pink tee-shirt, my new Sketchers) and was hardly a fashion plate myself. However, at least I was dressed for public and for the day. A lady pulls up in her car (she was driving way too fast, I might add) and gets out and shuffles into the bank. She is wearing plaid flannel pj pants, her coat over what appeared to be a nighttime tee-shirt, and FUZZY SLIPPERS (hence the shuffling! You know, the weird slipper-walk we all do to keep them on our feet and to show the world that we're tired and will not be bothered to lift our feet from the ground.) This situation drove me nuts. This is inappropriate. I don't want to see your night clothes unless I live with you. This practice drove me nuts in college, too. I attended a women's college and one of the favorite lines of some girls was, "I love going here because I don't have to dress up for class since there's no boys! I can just roll out of bed and go to class." Um, no. While I agree that you don't have to dress UP, you do have to GET DRESSED. I think it's a courtesy to me and other people--the professors, perhaps??--that you not show up in threadbare moon and star pjs with your effing nips showing! Nor should you go to the bank in your slippers. How long does it take to throw on some damned shoes? Less time than it has taken me to type this entry, that's for sure!

2. Old people in front of me at stores. After this bank business, I stopped at Hallmark to buy some cards (duh). There was a geriatric in front of me in line, also buying some cards. First she had a $2 coupon from a phone survey she completed. This is fine--I have nothing against coupons. The problem arose when she said, "I need the rest of the receipt. So can you just take the part of the receipt with the coupon on it?" Because, you know, it's pretty routine that one returns cards... So then the woman waiting on her (who was equally slow and annoying) had to figure out what part of the receipt she had to give back. Then, after that was accomplished, the old lady says, "Hmm. Now, we have the $2 off for the survey, and I have this rewards coupon, too." Again, the presence of the coupon is not the issue. Now the clerk is remarking to the old bag, "Oh, and you bought 3 cards, so you'll get 100 bonus points..." "I know. That's why I always buy 3. Now... I just need to know if I have enough of a total to use this $2 reward..." She did. So she hands that over, and seems surprised and slightly annoyed when, several moments later, the clerk informs her that she owes...twenty cents. "OH! I owe money. Hmmm... Well, I ALMOST got it for free." Then she takes an hour to dig out the change. As she hands it over, she says, "What the heck! I'll give you a quarter. Now YOU owe ME money! Haha." So delighted was she at her (not) cleverness. FINALLY her transaction was complete.

No, wait. "Can I have some gold stickers?" Yeah, because we wouldn't want to leave without THOSE, would we?

She was also in my way when I tried to leave. She was admiring some absurd piece of junk in the display, reading it out loud and impressed with its lame sentiment.

3. The Time-Traveler's Wife. This movie sucked. I was SO disappointed. There was relatively no character development. We never got answers to basic questions like, why is he even traveling in time? (Ok, technically, it was because of a genetic abnormality, but who had it before him? And why did the symptoms only start when he was 6? There was no mention.) Another question: why/how did he find his future wife in the first place? Something else sucky about it was that it was really hard to tell when he was his present self or future self or past self or whatever, aside from really subtle changes to his haircut or some insanely unnoticeable graying at the temples. Just so many things not good about it, I can't even note them all.

4. People on my elliptical machine at the gym. Some people believe that all of the machines at the gym are the same. This is not the case. The second one from the end is much less in the way of tension as the others, such that I'm able to get a better workout without as much leg pain. Some old dude (these old people are KILLING me lately, I've gotta say!) was on my machine last Wednesday (for a flippin' HOUR) and again on Friday. I was going to murder him. Then, today, there was some fat dude on there who I've never seen before, which means some new guy is on my machine. This will just not do. How am I supposed to get a good work out if people are on my equipment?? There's going to be blood--I'm just sayin'.

4.5. My voracious appetite post workout. I am so hungry when I finish a workout that if I don't arrive home to dinner made for me, that I will forage whatever possible. Today I consumed a piece of peanut butter bread; 2 chocolate chip cookies; 2 mini pretzels; and a fortune cookie--all immediately after doing 32:20 on the elliptical and burning about 300 calories. I'm pretty sure the cookies alone probably packed on the burned calories and then some. I feel like one of those people who works to pay the sitter; I work out to be able to come home and stuff my face. Dammit! I hate that!

5. Women who post comments as though they are their baby talking, or sign things as their-kid's-name's-Mommy. UGH! In reading my friend's blog yesterday, I also happened upon one of the responses she got. It read something like, "This reminds me of a problem my mommy and daddy had! She almost had a breakdown registering at Babies R Us!" Or something similarly nauseating. Why can't this person have simply wrote as herself? Why is it necessary to affect the personality of one's child as though this behavior is normal and/or cute and/or clever? It isn't any of those things! In addition, this person's profile name and picture are her child's name and child's picture! And it isn't just this woman. Today, while reading a piece on BabyCenter, there were several posts signed as "Cindi's Mommy" or "Sue and Tim's Mom." Come on, ladies. I have a kid. But I also have my own identity. It's possible to be a great mom and still a strong woman.

Other things that annoy me:

6. Darkness.

7. Cold rain.

8. Teenagers.

9. Sexism.

10. Double standards.

11. People who contend that global warming doesn't exist.

12. Carribean music.

13. Thieves.

14. Being pressured by someone to do things.

15. The smell of BBQ sauce.

In an effort not to be totally negative, here's some things that do not annoy me, but bring me jollity and pleasure:

1. The picture of Lily and me that I brought to school today to sit on my desk and bring me happiness when I look at it. (above)

2. Turkey taco nights.

3. Sunny spring days, and crisp fall ones.

4. Productivity.

5. Ideas clicking in my head, or profound thoughts.

6. Words.

7. Music.

8. Lily's yum-yum dance.

9. Brian's back scratches.

10. Brian.

11. Lily.

12. Blueberries.

13. Tea.

14. Lily's language that Brian and I have to decipher and its New York accent lately. ("Put it heah." "Ovah theah.")

15. Home.

Posted by Natalie M at 4:46 PM 3 comments 

Labels: annoyances

Pies, Lies, Highs, and Thinner Thighs: Me Kicking Ass

Friday, February 12, 2010

Pies, Lies, Highs, and Thinner Thighs: Me Kicking Ass

I can now officially call my apple pie "award-winning" since I won the school's bake off today. Yahoo!


I'm totally psyched about this distinction, even though it was hardly a scientific win. While I stand by my pie's deliciousness, it doesn't escape my awareness that I trekked down to the judging table accompanied by 5 friends who all voted for me because they like me (and who hadn't yet even tasted my pie). It brightens me a bit that after they tasted it they told me that my pie was, in fact, delish and that they would have voted for my pie had they not already voted for it, but then, they wouldn't exactly have said, "Your pie tasted like ass, Natalie; I would've chosen the chocolate raspberry cake!" now would they?


In any event, a win's a win and I'll take it! Like I said, I'm super pumped about it. It turns out that there's even a prize involved (which I didn't know before)-- a $20 gift card. Woo hoo! Earlier today when I said, "Ooh! I hope I win!" someone was like, "What do you win?" I responded, "I don't know--nothing, probably. I just want to win! Just the title 'winner' would do it for me!" But I'm not going to lie: it's exciting that there's a prize, too.


So, in sum, I'M AN AWARD-WINNING BAKER!!!! Yippeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today in my classes I gave out candy necklaces to my students. Only, I didn't want to give them to my 3rd block class because they're obnoxious and annoy the piss out of me. I was gratified to receive more 'thank yous' than I have in a long time (I guess candy is the preferred gift over pencils--hmmm...these kids are so misguided!) but as block 3 wore on, I just couldn't bring myself to give them the necklaces. Before lunch I gazed out at them and realized that there were about 10 or 11 kids to which I'd like to give the treat, but the other 8 or 9 I just didn't. Sadly, my contempt for the 8 or 9 is greater than my liking for the 10 or 11, so I determined that they wouldn't be getting any. I wished to myself that there was a way that I could just give it to the ones I like and not to the ones I don't.

Thankfully, the lunch gods made it so I could actually do this.

After lunch, the jerky kids always lollygag in the hall, assembling outside my room and not coming in. I yell at them every day and they say, "What? The bell didn't ring yet!" There is no bell after lunch, which they know. This is just how annoying they are. This post-lunch divide of good kids vs annoying kids was never so clear to me as it was today. One by one the goodies came through the door. I decided that now was my chance. I started giving out the candy as they entered. After the good 10 walked in-- and NONE of the annoying ones had yet even to arrive in the hallway!!-- I proclaimed, "Well, nobody who isn't here on time is getting candy. That's it!" Then I put out the quizzes and the other jerks filtered in and didn't even realize they'd been excluded from the treat. (One kid, after finishing his quiz asked if he could have a necklace but I told him no since he'd been late, and that was the end of that.)

"But Natalie, what is so bad about these kids? Surely there's no need to exclude them from treats, is there?" you may ask.

The answer, though, is a resounding yes to the exclusion. These are the kids who stole a book sock right off of someone's book that was left on my shelf. And they are also, I suspect, the kids who STOLE a conversation heart decoration right off of my window when I was out for the funeral the other day!

Yes, that's right; they STOLE from ME! I'm incensed by this phenomenon. First off, they know the fucking poster isn't theirs. Second, they know it's mine. Third, they waited for a day I wasn't there (but was, instead, out at a funeral because someone died and I was off mourning his death, thus giving these disgusting creatures the opportunity) to steal from me. Fourth, it isn't like these dishonest shitwads don't have every single thing they want or need in life, thus negating the fact that they are at a loss for things and simply took it because they can't go to the damned dollar store to buy their own. Fifth, they signed an HONOR PLEDGE (and we discussed the importance of it numerous times)--obviously their word means dick.

I think it's absolutely deplorable that I can't trust kids not to steal or deface property. When I brought it up in class, they acted like they didn't know what I was talking about. "Hey, does anyone know anything about my missing conversation heart poster that was there when I left for the day on Monday and is now NOT there?" "What? Oh?! Um, what did it say?" "Well, since there were 2 of each, and now there's only 1 of the Be Mine poster, I guess it was that one." "Oh. Um? Hmm. That's weird. Well, you know, it IS Valentine's Day time. Maybe someone gave it as a card? But, uh, it wasn't anyone in here." "Well, I think it WAS someone in here since it was someone in here who stole a book sock off of someone's book along the side wall! Obviously, you people are thieves."

Their response: silence, except for the kid who said, "Stole a book sock off a book?! Good move!" (without a hint of irony, but instead awestruck.)

And, again, these kids are our future. Again, I weep.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I like meditation. It makes me feel good. I think everyone should meditate. It really makes life feel better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I just bought a pair of the new Sketcher Shape Ups (you know, the ones with the high, goofy sole that are designed to help burn more calories and improve circulation and posture). They were supposed to be on sale for $99.95 (from $109.95) but of course the ones I got--the cute gray ones with pink etching--were not on sale. However, as I bought them from Kohl's, I had a 20% off coupon AND bought them during the Kohl's cash promotion, which means I ended up getting $20 in Kohl's cash for spending $100. So I think I probably got the best deal I could get on them. (And the ones I got were a new spring style, so I have the most up-to-date style.)

Anyhoo, I'm excited to try them. I have to ease into wearing them (25-45 mins per day with daily 5-10 min incremental increases in time each day for the first 2 weeks) to get used to the new walking style, but I think it'll be worth it. We'll see. I'm not one to spend nearly a hundred bucks on sneakers, but I've been fascinated by these shoes for months now, and decided I'm ready to give them a whirl. I'll let you know how they are. I've only heard good things (from random strangers, but still...)

Posted by Natalie M at 9:20 PM 2 comments 

Labels: bad students, happy, random bit

Forget Chivalry; Honor is Dead

Friday, January 29, 2010

Forget Chivalry; Honor is Dead

In the past, when I first started teaching, I noticed that students seemed to lack honor and good moral character. I caught them cheating, plagiarizing, forging, and lying left and right. It made me sick. When I'd complain, people asked me, "Do you have an honor code in place?" I'd answer, "No. But it wouldn't matter. They'd just sign it and cheat anyway."

Then, 2 summers ago, I was taking a summer course at Gratz (well, THROUGH Gratz--it was actually AT the Courtyard Marriott), and it struck me: maybe I'm selling them short. Maybe, if I took the time to share with them how important honor and integrity is (in life in general, and to me as an individual), they would care. Maybe they just don't realize their problems. Maybe we just assume that these are things they know, but perhaps they actually need to be taught. Maybe we are taking too much for granted.

So I designed an entire block's worth of activities all leading up to a pledge ceremony, where students copy and sign our class' honor pledge. I figured that if I spent 90 minutes on this topic up front on the second day of class, that they'd realize how important it is. We talk about honor and what it means. We talk about why we sign our names to documents and how on a contract, the signature is legally binding. We discuss reputations, how easy it is to go from a good to bad reputation (and how difficult to go from bad to good), and how much nobody wants a bad reputation. We talk about trust and the value of a good name. I show them a clip of John Proctor's (Daniel Day Lewis) classic, heart-wrenching scene in The Crucible when he proclaims, "Because it is my name. Because I cannot have another in this life. Because I lie and sign myself to lies! Because I am not worth the dust of those who have hanged. I've given you my soul; leave me my name!" I show them an excerpt from John Gay's "Fables: The Fox on the Point of Death" which ends with, "The change will never be believed / A lost good name is ne'er retrieved!" We discuss the significance of the word honor in all its forms: "Your honor," "To love, honor, and cherish," "Maid of honor," "Honor roll," "Honorable mention," "Honor thy father and mother," and on and on and on. We talk about the various forms of being honorable (and dishonorable). It's a full day on what it is and why it's important and should be valued. Then, at the end, everyone copies the honor pledge in his own writing and signs it, has a person witness him sign it and then signs off as the witness, then brings it up for me to sign as the authorizing signature THEN signs a class page which hangs on the board under the posted Honor Pledge wall.

It's serious business.

This semester, on the first day of class--when I talk about how important I think honor is and how they shouldn't cheat and how disgusting and insulting it is to me personally and how I expect them to tell me if they see someone else cheating--my 3rd block class was awash with guffaws, grunts, and snickers. In those incredulous bursts of breath, they told me a lot (and not good things!) Earlier that day, in 1st block, a student forged his dad's signature on the syllabus signature page I'd just given them and asked them to have signed that evening. (Not 10 minutes after I told them how important it is to have honor, the kid forges a signature!) Then, on "Honor Day" a student in block 3 raised his hand and asked, "What made you feel this way about this stuff? I mean, did something, like, happen to you to make you so serious about this stuff?"

Happen to me?

This STUFF?

This is not the right attitude. It is exactly this attitude which creates the issues that I'm trying to keep from happening. Honor isn't stuff to me. Honor is a driving force. Honesty, integrity, and one's good name aren't things that happen to you, but things that one earns and should value and aspire to and wish to keep. I cannot fathom not thinking this way. (I weep for the future. I really do.)

As it were, just when my inner hope for these kids was about to peter out, a student came up to me before lunch and said, "I just want you to know that I agree with everything you said; it is important. I listen to Glen Beck [we'll excuse this transgression since what he said after it was decent and true, which just goes to show that any idiot can have an occasional moment of clarity] and he said that my whole generation seems to have this attitude that everything happens to them. Like, they were given an F, instead of earning it! I used to be stupid like these people, too, but last year I woke up and realized how I was being, and now I'm planning to take Honors and AP next year, and I actually study and do my work." He rambled a bit, but I appreciated hearing that someone seemed to understand what I mean and even respected it enough to pull me aside and tell me.

And he wasn't alone.

This morning, before 1st block, one of my 1st block students came over to me and whispered, "Um, you wanted us to tell you if we know someone is going to cheat, right?" I was taken aback, but quickly recovered and said, "Yes." "Well, that girl in the back in pink made a cheat sheet and gave a copy to the boy next to her." I thanked her and she sat down.

TWO days after my lofty speeches, and a single day after they all signed the pledge and pledge wall (since we were cut short on the first day and it bled into another day!), someone had consciously made a cheat sheet and brought it in and intended to cheat.

I struggled for most of the block over what to do. Do I pull the girl aside and gently mention that if she was planning something she should not do it? Do I make a blanket statement to the class? Do I just hawk over the kids while they quiz so they can't cheat? Do I sit at my desk and surreptitiously watch them and catch them in the act? I ran through several ideas in my mind. I consulted with trusted friends and loved ones (thank goodness for phone and email and tasks that occupy students that allow one the time to consult without them knowing!) and finally decided to both make a blanket statement and to hawk the class and not give them a chance to do it.

After showing them how to set up their answer sheets, I said to the class, "And I would remind you of our honor day activities and the honor pledge. We didn't just do that for fun. Remember what we talked about. And if you were planning on doing anything untoward--[and I looked RIGHT at the girl in the pink and the kids around her]-- DON'T. [She averted her eyes immediately!] Because I WILL give you a zero, and I WILL call your parents, and I WILL talk to your other teachers about you. And I won't trust you anymore. And it's awfully early in the semester to lose my trust. So, even if you may have been tempted because you perhaps didn't prepare enough or are worried because it's the first quiz, DON'T cheat." While quizzing, I stood behind the pink-shirted gal and her area for a good 4 minutes, then moved around the room. I was breathing down people's necks. I've never had a group take so long to answer questions before, looking nervously over their shoulders and meeting my gaze too many times to count; yes, I was still looking. But I feel safe in saying that nobody cheated.

The scores were low and when 3rd block came in, they were saying, "I heard the quiz was impossible!" I guess it's impossible if you don't prepare and can't end up cheating because your teacher is on top of you the whole time saving you from yourself. (The honors class--who I also hawked, just in case; being in honors doesn't always preclude dishonor--did very well on their quiz, and theirs is MUCH harder than the other one.) 3rd block did similarly poorly, as I was on top of them, too. My colleague overheard stage whispers to the effect of "Not that I would cheat, as cheating is very bad and is not honorable!" in the mock-tones of false sincerity.

Then, just when I thought I couldn't feel less disappointed in them, I noticed the book that someone had left in either 1st and 2nd block--one I'd specifically looked in the binding to check whose it was, and, in so doing, had to move aside the garish, tie-dyed book sock to see the name--was now missing said book sock. SOMEONE STOLE THE BOOK SOCK OFF OF THE BOOK!

What is wrong with these kids?

It's been a semester, so events blend together and this is something like my 50th blog, so excuse me if I related the following story in a past posting (I'm sure I must have because it appalled me then and still does!) Last semester, someone in my infamous 4th block had lost his binder. He was quite upset about it. I said, "Calm down. It's sure to be in one of your other classes. Just look in each one and I'm sure it'll turn up." He said, "No, it won't! The papers are already probably gone." I said, "Why would they be gone?" He replied, "Because people see a binder and throw out the papers and take the binder. It's like, 'ooh! free binder!'" I was appalled. I couldn't believe someone would do that. He said, "What? Everyone does it. It saves you a trip to Staples or whatever. Like, what? Are you just going to leave a free binder sitting there? It's like if you see a wallet on the ground! Nobody leaves it there. You take it!" He was just making it worse and worse. But worse still is how all of his classmates were nodding in agreement and couldn't believe that I was surprised and appalled!

While nobody ended up cheating today (or, at least, I don't think they did; I was watching VERY closely and making people uncomfortable, I think), I shouldn't have to do what I did to keep them from cheating. First off, they shouldn't even want to cheat. It shouldn't even be on their radar as an option. But moreso, part of the idea behind the honor pledge is that by being part of it, I can trust them and they can trust me (to trust them?) Typically, I like to sit at my desk while they take their quizzes. I like the feeling to be, "Hey, you said you weren't cheating and you didn't! Bravo!" I feel like it belies my words if I have to walk up and down aisles and stare at them and scare them so they can't manage to cheat. Shouldn't I be giving them a chance to do the right thing on their own? But on the flip side, if they are lying to me and not earning my trust, why should I sit at my desk like a fool and trust them blindly? It's so frustrating. The events of this week also concern me because I now anticipate issues with plagiarism, too. If they are this blase about cheating on quizzes, they'll do it on papers, too. And those count for more and are (sometimes) harder to prove.

Although I get glimmers of hope every now and again and feel like, yes, what I do on honor day does get through to some students and does mean something (even if it's just to myself so I can say that they definitely know what honor and integrity are and they actively chose not to respect those traits), I also feel like my former suspicion that students would just sign a pledge and lie anyway was right.

Now, the next time someone asks me if something, like, happened to me to make me feel this way, my answer will have changed. I can cite my vast experience with dishonor.

Posted by Natalie M at 9:55 AM 4 comments 

Labels: bad students, disappointment, lies

Humble Pie: A Farewell to "Eeyore"

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Humble Pie: A Farewell to "Eeyore"

So I've had an experience lately that has made me sort of take a step back and look at things differently. I've felt both good and ashamed at how I've behaved, and I think this experience has made me realize anew how important it is to treat people right all the time and how seemingly little things affect individuals in ways others may never realize.

I'm referring to one of my co-worker's resignation.

Yesterday was his last day.

Basically, for the past 3.5 years I've known him, this guy has always been a huge downer. In fact, I've referred to him as Eeyore to other peers. He's just so, "Thanks for noticin' me..." and "What's the point?" kind of thing. It's terrible. I also felt a lot of additional angst toward him because I had to share my room with him during my planning period--not once, but twice (last year and this year, both!)--which completely pissed me off. Granted, part of my rational self realized how unfair it was that I was partially mad at him, since I'm sure he didn't want to have to share with someone as much as I didn't want to share with anyone. What made me mad at him is that he wasn't really a good guest (well, last year he wasn't--this year, having learned his MO, I knew what I was and wasn't going to happen). It felt very much like he was going out of his way to make the experience as annoying for me as it must have been for him. Like, if he was going to suffer, I was sure as hell suffering with him. Last year he insisted on bringing in a huge desk and filing cabinet, even though he didn't use either of them. He just wanted them in there. It was absurd and there wasn't really room for them. I understand wanting to have one's own space in a place, but he seemed to take it to an extreme. He also made a desk area for himself in the planning center so, basically, he was everywhere! When I found out at the beginning of this year that I had to share with him again, I told him he couldn't bring in the desk (I said he could use the front table and I'd be sure to keep it clear for him), but the filing cabinet (which he actually used this time) could go where it went last year. I also remained in my room during most days and just did work in there while his class was in there. It worked out pretty well, actually, and at a certain point, it didn't even seem to matter that we were sharing. Grant you, some days I was still annoyed because he'd do something bothersome or oblivious that pissed me off, but most days were ok.

At a certain point, I started to understand him better. I realized, through stories he'd share with his students about experiences he'd had or even just things he knew, that there was a lot more to him than a lot of people got to see. I considered that something of a shame, because I know that a lot of people also found him sort of annoying. But even I'd still struggle with my changing feelings about him since he still did lots of annoying crap.

In a lot of ways, it was hard to blame him. Our school treated him like shit. They made him do the communications classes he's asked repeatedly not to, in favor of just being an English teacher. He'd requested year after year to not have to do them--he'd put in for transfers to other buildings, and all sorts of things--and he'd always get denied. That's why he was always sharing rooms; his "room" was the studio and wasn't large enough for regular classes. He was constantly being berated for his productions, too. They weren't good enough for the powers-that-be. He was written up and screamed at by the principal in front of students for turning his light on during a lock-down drill since he heard all of the surrounding classes talking again. He thought it was over and that they'd forgotten him again; they forgot him last year. The principal called him incompetant to other teachers so much that other departments started thinking he was incompetant even though they'd never worked with him. The administration suggested that he take some time and observe how other teachers in our department teach, and told him that everyone in the department was better than him. (I've been in the room with him while he taught--while, yes, some lessons were a snooze-fest, he's not at all a bad teacher. I thought he did a good job with the material and I learned a lot just being in there while he was teaching.) His final straw was that he put in for a marking period off for personal reasons and they denied it. So he tendered his resignation. Really, if you were him, why would you stay? All they ever did was tell him or show him how useless he was to them--even though they took advantage of him at every turn, calling him at the last minute (sometimes while he was teaching his classes) and mandating to him that he needed to tape some event for the school or broadcast something on the tv during announcements or some other nonsense.

I'm thrilled that, in some ways, he screwed them by leaving. Now who will be the whipping boy?

Anyway, as I heard or saw everything unfold--them calling him out of class to go down and tape something right then; his concern and humiliation over being berated for not following lock-down procedures; his name being unprofessionally smeared by the principal in public and among his colleagues; his request and its subsequent denial for a marking period off--I started to feel terribly for him, and irate at my school. How dare people make a person feel so worthless? How dare they treat him so poorly. Fuck them!

Then it struck me: had I ever, in my annoyance over sharing my room with him, maybe, somehow sent him a similar message? Had I ever been mean to him or made him feel low like they did?

In searching my mind, I don't really think I did TO him. I think most of my anger and disgust with him was behind his back. (Unless one were to think my preemptive denial of his desk in my space this year was mean, but since he didn't use it last year and he hadn't suggested it yet this year, I don't think it was. Or perhaps I'm rationalizing?...)

But then it also struck me: isn't that sort of just as bad? Even if I wasn't being mean to him, I wasn't being NICE to him. I was tolerating him. I was pretending in front of him and then maligning him in private. That's kind of shitty, too.

Yesterday our department got together and took him to a farewell dinner. We all signed a card and chipped in $10 for a gift, and went to dinner. I was pissed about dinner all day-- a lot of us were. It was a hassle. It was not a good time (since we get new students on Tuesday and have a staff development day on Monday so, basically, this was our only time to finish before getting new kids but, instead, had to run off to dinner at 3).

We all went (except for our colleague who was kicked in the face by her horse the day before) and ate together. The guest of honor seemed really uncomfortable and detached, like he didn't want to be there. He didn't seem to talk much. It was kind of weird in some ways. Part of me wondered as I hugged him goodbye as I was leaving why he'd even agreed to go to dinner if this is how he was going to behave.

Today, though, there was an email from him to the department. In it, he explained how negative he is and how the goodbye dinner with us was so nice that it left a very positive memory in his mind of his time there. He said how much it meant to him to be with us laughing, telling stories, and just being together happy, and that even though he was uncomfortable being the so-called guest of honor, he appreciated that it was for him.

It was a really heart-felt email. It made me cry.

It also made me feel a little ashamed for having not wanted to go, for being resentful at the inconvenient timing of the event when I had so much to do.

But, in thinking about it, even if I hadn't gotten to finish my work at school, I would go again and stay longer and do whatever I had to do, since it meant something to him. Because, perhaps for once, he felt like someone gave a shit about him--he felt that he mattered to someone (12 someones, in fact, who would miss him when he left).

I pride myself on being thoughtful, and of doing things that bring people happiness (even if just blips of it). However, in this instance (and I'm sure others in life), I didn't (or almost didn't??) do everything I could have done to make him happy. I let my own annoyance or whatever get in the way of doing something that would bring someone else joy.

I will always feel some guilt that I might have been nicer or more sympathetic to him earlier, or more gracious later.

I will be more careful in the future to be nicer, more sympathetic, and gracious to people--both to their faces and behind their backs--since maybe it will make all the difference in their lives (even if I never know about it!) I will also endeavor to look differently toward situations that seem inconvenient to me at first. If I hadn't had to share my room with him, for instance, I wouldn't have gotten to know him better. I might not have realized how badly he was treated and how much he didn't deserve it. I might not have realized that I may inadvertantly (or unknowingly) contribute to--or at least not improve--the problem. For those, and other, reasons, I'm actually really glad I had to share my room with this person.

To my departed colleague who will likely never read this: all the best. May this move be everything you hoped for. You deserve it; you matter; you've affected my life.

Posted by Natalie M at 8:55 PM 1 comments 

Labels: epiphany, school